why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Randomize
