Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
zippers are such a cool invention
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize