if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
