you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
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