he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
