oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
