Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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