I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
How was Slumdog? Did it pull your heartstrings?
It was entertaining. Better than most other Mexican films.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Randomize
