can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
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