i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
