hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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