smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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