he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
I wish they made helmets for livers.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
