3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
