Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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