My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Randomize