Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Randomize
