clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Randomize
