Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
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