someone get that fucking seahorse.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
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