Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
