i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Randomize
