True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Randomize