End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Randomize
