I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Randomize
