Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
I woke up under a house in Key West
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