I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Dick very happy bro
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Randomize
