I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
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