Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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