you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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