I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
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