Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Randomize
