i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
