Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
Randomize
