8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Randomize
