I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Randomize
