Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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