I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
