I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
