i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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