im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
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