i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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