he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
