i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
