whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
Randomize
