I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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