There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
Randomize