You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
My penis needs a shock collar
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
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