Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
