why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Randomize
