I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
im on a boat
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