she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Randomize
