i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
