i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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