clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
