My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Randomize
