I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Randomize
