I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
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